Things the Paladins of Voltron are No Longer Allowed To Do
by CV12Hornet
Summary: As any sergeant will tell you, bored soldiers are dangerous soldiers. And in between saving the universe and fighting the Galra, the Paladins of Voltron get very bored indeed. Updates irregularly.
1. Rule 2

**Rule 2: Shiro, much as we acknowledge your weird love of shitty Garrison mac and cheese, please just eat the** _ **good**_ **mac and cheese Hunk made for you. Don't make Hunk cry, Shiro.**

"Lance, do you know what this means?"

Four of the Paladins of Voltron were gathered in the grass-filled area of the Castle of Lions Allura had graciously donated to house Kaltenecker, recently picked up during their trip to the Space Mall. Lance and Pidge had stormed in after their attempt to get their hard-won video game working had run into an… obvious in hindsight snag. Keith, curious, had followed them in. And Hunk?

Clearly, Hunk had been _brainstorming._

"Well, unless you're suddenly getting a craving for beef-" Lance answered, only to be interrupted by Pidge jumping in front of him with her arms crossed.

"Which we're not doing!"

"Yeah, which we're not doing, I got nothing."

Grinning like a madman, Hunk tsked and waggled his finger at his teammates. "I've been fiddling around with the Castle's food goo machines, and I can have it make…" He paused, clearly in thought. "A _lot_ of ingredients. Like, say, pasta."

No response.

"C'mon, guys, do I have to spell it out for you?" Still no response. Growling, Hunk threw up his hands. "Alright, fine, I guess I _will_ spell it out for you: dairy was one of the things the castle can't produce. But now that I have a milk source, I can make cheese. And if I can make cheese…"

Lance and Pidge's eyes widened, the light shining off of unshed tears. "You mean…" Pidge breathed reverentially. "You can make your special mac and cheese?"

"Got it in one!" Turning to Keith, Hunk added, "You might wanna cover your ears."

And indeed, Pidge and Lance grabbed each other and _squeed._ There was no other word for the soundless squeal of unadulterated joy they let out.

"Huh, didn't know Lance could go that high…"

"Why are they so excited?" Keith cut in. "It's just mac and cheese."

Hunk whirled on the red paladin, and he took a step back. With the blazing fury the other paladin was showing, you'd think Keith had just insulted his mother or something.

And then, it was gone, replaced by joviality. "Keith, my man, I know you lived out in a hermit hut in the desert for who knows how long-"

"Hermit hut?!"

"But that's okay. It means I get the chance to correct your _appalling_ ignorance."

"Look," Keith replied. "If Garrison mac and cheese is-"

"Wait, you've only had _Garrison_ mac and cheese?!" Hunk incredulously interrupted.

"Er, yes?"

Before Keith could react, Hunk grabbed him and pulled him into a bear hug, sobbing quietly. "Oh, you poor deprived soul. It's even worse than I thought!"

"Get _off_ of me!" Keith growled, shoving away the larger paladin. "Also, how are you going to get the milk? Do you even know how to milk a cow?"

"Of course I-!" Hunk began, only to droop. "Oh." Then he perked up again. "Well, how hard could it be?"

"Hard enough that you should step aside and let an _expert_ handle this!" came Lance's smug voice.

Hunk and Keith both turned around in surprise. "Really?" Keith commented.

"My dad was always the one who got me a summer job, and he _always_ picked a local farm," Lance said proudly, before shuddering. "Trust me, milking cows is a _lot_ better than detassling corn. _Never again…"_

"Ugh, farms," Pidge spat. "Everything I hate about nature, except _worse._ "

"Anyway, just let the Lanster handle this!" Lance declared, rolling up his sleeves. "Hunk, go get the rest of the ingredients ready! And Pidge, educate Keith on the _glories_ of Hunk's mac and cheese!"

"Yes sir!" the two paladins barked, before grabbing Keith and dragging him out.

"Hey, let me go!"

~o~

"Oh, I can't wait!" Princess Allura said excitedly, rocking back and forth in her chair. "Earth foods are so interesting, even the basic ones, and this dish actually has Lance and Pidge _excited!"_

Coran nodded, fingers twirling one end of his mustache. "Quite right, Princess! Though I do hope it's not a repeat of the burritos."

Both Alteans shuddered at the memory; capsaicin was a chemical weapon, not a food flavoring, dammit!

The door to the mess slid open, drawing them both out of the traumatic memory and allowing Shiro to walk in.

"I heard there was mac and cheese," he said, a wistful look passing over his face. "Ah, that reminds me of the mac and cheese they served at the Galaxy Garrison."

"Wait."

The wistful look passed, and Shiro looked over at Keith, who was eyeing him incredulously.

"You actually _liked_ the Garrison mac and cheese? It's the only mac and cheese I've had, and even _I_ think it was awful!"

"Er, yes?" Shiro said, confused. "Best I've ever had, actually."

"Food's ready!" Hunk suddenly announced, forestalling any further objections on Keith's part.

Held in the paladin's mitt-covered hands was an open casserole dish, steam wafting out. That wasn't all that was wafting out; Allura, Coran, and even Keith all felt salive pool in their mouths at the smell the dish was producing. Keith knew it as cheese, baked to browned perfection. The Alteans just knew it smelled _heavenly_ and unfamiliar. Lance and Pidge trailing behind Hunk like lovesick puppies was just more encouragement.

Curiously, Shiro did little more than frown.

Soon, the mac and cheese was distributed, along with sporks, and Allura, Keith, and Coran took their first bites.

And immediately rocked back on their heels. The mac and cheese was soft and gooey in their mouth, but also complemented by a browned crust laden with breadcrumbs, or something like breadcrumbs. And the flavor! More than just cheese, it was also lightly salted and sprinkled with black pepper and some other spice none of them could quite identify. In isolation, the flavors were amazing. Together?

A blink, and suddenly the trio found themselves not on the Castle of Lions in the mess hall, but under a blue sky on top of a verdant green hill, a tableau of mooing cows and swaying grain stretching all the way to the horizon. A sense of great peace swept over them.

And then the moment was gone, and their plates were clean.

"Seconds?" Hunk offered with a knowing grin.

"Of course!" Allura replied. "This is amazing, Hunk! I-I don't even have the words to describe this!"

"The poets of old Altea would have a field day with this… mac and cheese!" Coran added. "Hunk, m'boy, I do believe you've- Keith, are you crying?"

"Huh?" Reaching up, Keith wiped away part of the line of tears that had been running down his cheek. "Oh. I guess I am."

"Don't feel too bad, Keith," Lance said smugly. "I cried a bit when I first had Hunk's mac and cheese, it's nothing to feel ashamed about."

Pidge, smugly, "Don't sugarcoat it, you were sobbing in joy."

"Hey, you swore you'd never tell!" Lance howled.

"No, I swore to never share it on the galaxynet. Telling someone in person is totally fair game!"

Chuckling nervously at the burgeoning argument, Hunk turned to the last person at the table. "So, what'd you think, Shiro?"

An odd expression flashed over Shiro's face. "It's… not bad," he hedged.

"Not bad?!" just about everyone shouted.

"It's not Garrison mac and cheese, that's for sure. In fact, I'm not sure I want to finish this."

"Sniff…"

Dead. Silence. Incredulity at Shiro's _utter_ lack of taste buds warred with concern at the sudden sniffling sound, concern when everyone actually saw the tears brimming in Hunk's eyes.

"Y-You don't like my mac and cheese, Shiro?" he said, sounding way too much like a little kid that had brought home his kindergarten painting.

"W-Well, it's not that I _don't_ like it," Shiro tried.

Allura, though, wasn't having any of it.

"Now you listen here," she said as she loomed over Shiro. "Ah… does anyone know Shiro's full name?"

"Takeshi Shirogane," Pidge intoned, her glasses opaque through the light shining on them and her hands clasped in front of her mouth.

"Now you listen here, Takeshi Shirogane. Hunk worked very hard to make this _superb_ mac and cheese for you, so you are going to eat it. Unless you want to make Hunk cry." She leaned closer. " _Do you?"_

Sweating, Shiro looked around for some support. Pidge, the traitor, was out, naturally, and so was Hunk. Lance… well, if he could shoot lasers from his eyes, the black paladin would be a scorch mark on the floor. Coran was just shaking his head. And Keith… Keith looked _disappointed_ in him. And that hurt worst of all.

And besides, it wasn't like the mac and cheese was _bad_.

Sighing, he scooped up another sporkful of the dish. "Alright, I'll at least finish my plate. Happy?"

Very, if the smiles on everyone's faces were genuine.


	2. Rule 5

**Rule 5: The above rule is now stricken from the record, and Lance is banned from adding rules to The List.**

Pidge yawned as she finished changing into her pajamas. Crawling into bed, she grabbed her tablet off the nightstand and swiped through her list of ongoing projects. Upgrading the Green Lion's systems, nominal. Getting that damn video game to work, frustrating but nominal. Checking on The List, no- wait a minute.

Yup, a new entry. One that made Pidge sigh and push up her glasses to pinch the bridge of her nose.

"It's probably Lance," she muttered as she swiped through some more menu commands, and sure enough, there was Lance's electronic signature right there next to the entry.

Now Pidge was faced with a dilemma: take this information and confront Lance with it, immediately, or wait until tomorrow morning, watch the fireworks, and then jump in with a solution.

The light glinted over her glasses. Dilemma? What dilemma? Obviously, seeing Lance squirm due to righteous anger on Allura's part was the better option.

Switching off the tablet, Pidge pulled off her glasses and pulled the covers up over her. Already she couldn't wait until tomorrow morning.

~o~

"Pidge, how did you sleep last night?"

The paladin in question slid her bloodshot eyes to Allura, projecting thoughts of "What do you _think_ , you unnaturally chipper freak of nature?!" Sadly, Pidge didn't have telepathic abilities outside the Green Lion (yet), so those thoughts went unnoticed.

' _I can't believe Allura hasn't noticed the new rule yet!'_ Pidge groused. ' _At this rate, I might have to bring it up myself.'_

The door to the dining room slid open, and Coran veritably stormed in, a sight unusual enough to elicit open stares from just about everyone present.

Just about.

' _Coran, you gorgeous man, if this is what I think it is I could kiss you!'_

"Alright, which one of you miscreants added a new rule to The List last night?" the Altean demanded.

Most of the table exchanged confused glances. Lance stiffened. This did not escape Pidge.

"Ah, what new rule?" Shiro asked hesitantly.

A choking sound came from Hunk's spot at the table. "Please tell me I'm hallucinating and that this rule doesn't actually exist," he said.

That provoked a flurry of movement as everyone checked their communicators. The reactions were… interesting. Shiro flushed, followed by a furious look and an ominous creaking from the tablet where his prosthetic arm was gripping it. Allura practically combusted, complete with a plum of steam from the top of her head.

And Lance seemed to attempt to melt into his seat.

"Believe me, Coran," Shiro said in a voice of ice. "I didn't put that there. And if any of the paladins did, I will make sure they regret it."

"W-Well, I'm… flattered?" Allura stammered. "But, well…"

"But nothing, this is utterly unacceptable!" Coran thundered. His mustache veritably quivered, he was so angry. "Whoever it is, come out now, and-"

"It's Lance."

Lance immediately - and stupidly - leapt out of his seat and jabbed an accusatory finger at a smug Pidge. "Traitor! How did you even find out it was… me…"

Pidge adjusted her glasses, light glinting off of them. "An elementary mistake, Lancey-boy." Her smug grin inched wider at the three figures looming behind Lance. "You should've run the second I said it was you."

Slowly, Lance turned around. Coran still looked ready to smite him on the spot. Shiro looked supremely disappointed, and that hurt. A lot.

But Allura was the scariest, easily. There was a kind smile on her face, and yet it completely failed to reach her closed eyes.

"Coran, remind me what the punishment for this sort of thing was under my father's reign?" she said in a too-sweet voice.

"I believe it was to be strung up in your underwear in a public place and then pelted with rotten fruit," Coran answered.

Lance whimpered, and tried to sink back into his seat.

"This sort of tomfoolery would have you cleaning the bathrooms with a toothbrush back in the Galaxy Garrison," Shiro added.

The attempted sinking intensified.

"Let's go with that," Allura decided. "It's more productive. And, of course, we can agree that Lance is no longer allowed to post rules to The List?"

"Agreed," Coran and Shiro chorused.

Lance stopped attempting to sink, and instead sent a pleading glance towards Hunk. The other paladin immediately waved him off.

"No way, man. You made your bed."

"Well, at least this can't get any worse," Lance sighed despondently.

The door slid open, Keith walking in. "So, could someone explain the latest rule to me?" he said, before freezing at the scene in front of him. His eyes scanned over the room, and when they landed on Lance's gobsmacked expression, he sighed. "Let me guess, Lance wrote it and now he has to scrub the bathrooms with a toothbrush?"

"Yup!" Pidge answered.

"Cool. What's for breakfast?"


	3. Rule 6

**Rule 6. Slav is not allowed to watch scary movies.**

"I do not understand! Why would you pick the banana? I do not even need to check any alternate universes to know that that is the _worst_ option!"

"Slav, it's a horror movie, don't question it," Lance intoned.

"It is built on the stupidity of its main cast," Slav countered. "That is never a good choice of storytelling. I've checked."

A sigh rose up from the collected crew of the Castle of Lions. When the Castle had picked up some radio transmissions beamed out from Earth, that had been an idle curiosity. When they proved to be _television_ transmissions of classic horror movies, just about all the Earthlings had been excited. Even Keith had cracked an eager smile. And then Allura and Coran had both expressed interest. A movie night was the only rational response, especially once Hunk figured out how to make some popcorn.

And for the first ten minutes of the movie, everything was great. Lance and Pidge were inching closer to Hunk and utterly failing to be subtle about it, Allura and Coran were fascinated - and then Slav wandered in, apparently taking a break from his work on the gravity generator.

That was when the viewing went down the tubes. At this point Lance was the only one who bothered to respond to Slav's running commentary.

"Maybe we could watch a different movie?" Allura suggested.

"At this point, it's probably for the best," Shiro agreed. "Pidge, is there anything in that playlist that _isn't_ a slasher?"

"Oh, is that what they're called?" Slav cut in, voice drier than the many desert planets Voltron had visited. Combined. "I thought they were just horror movies."

"Contrary to popular belief, slashers aren't the only genre of horror movie," Keith said. "Just the most popular." At the surprised stares from Lance and Hunk, the paladin slowly sunk a little deeper into the couch. "I watched a lot of movies as a kid. It was easier than getting a babysitter."

Hunk promptly teared up at that tidbit. And before Keith could be subjected to a crushing bear hug, Pidge let out a congratulatory "Ah-ha!"

"How about The Shining?" she suggested.

Keith smirked, side-eyeing Lance. "An excellent choice."

"Aw, c'mon," Lance scoffed. "I can handle this!"

~o~

"I can't take this!" Lance wailed, flailing in his spot. "The suspense is killing me!"

"What's gonna happen what's gonna happen…" Pidge whimpered on repeat, clutching one of Hunk's arms.

"Well, at least Slav isn't saying anything," Shiro muttered under his breath.

~o~

"The hotel…" Allura breathed, eyes wide. "It's… alive! And-"

"And it wants to drive this poor family insane!" Coran picked up.

"Nice. Most people don't pick up on that," Keith said through a mouthful of popcorn.

"T-They'll be fine, right?" Allura shakily asked.

The smirk she got in response was _not_ assuring.

~o~

" _Heeeeeere's Johnny!"_

Just about everyone jumped at that, even Hunk and Shiro. Keith just kept smiling.

~o~

Everyone stared at the man in the wolf costume and the butler. What had they been doing? What… What just happened? Allura and Coran looked to Keith for guidance.

He shrugged. "Don't look at me."

Desperate, they turned to Slav.

"There are many alternate universes where that scene makes logical sense, but they are very different."

The two Alteans turned back to the screen, still tense. Rather amazing after a rather deflating, confusing scene.

~o~

Finally, the credits began to roll, and everyone could relax.

"Man, I forgot how intense that was," Hunk said, before grabbing and pulling up Lance and Pidge. "Little too intense for these wimps, though."

"It's considered a masterpiece for a reason," Shiro agreed. "Coran, Allura, what did you think?"

"That was _amazing,"_ Allura breathed. "Tense and terrifying, but so expertly constructed!"

"I'll take your word for it, princess."

"Well, I didn't like it."

That comment of Slav's was met largely with incredulous stares. And none were more incredulous than Keith's.

"How could you not like it?!" he demanded. "You heard Allura! It's a carefully crafted sculpture of a movie devoted entirely to a slow terror!"

"Wow, Keith's even more of a movie nerd than I thought…"

"It is a film designed to hurt people," Slav firmly replied. "I should know, because the Galra were quite fond of showing me similar pieces. The only thing I can say in this video's favor is that it is more mild than most of those examples."

For a long moment, the only thing to come out of Keith's slack-jawed mouth was a faint choking sound, his hands twitching. Finally, he just threw up his hands and spat "Fucking Galra!"


	4. Rule 10

**Rule 10. Please delete your galaxynet history at least once a day.** _ **Please.**_

"I call this meeting to order," Pidge imperiously declared, an angry scowl marring her features.

All of the usual inhabitants of the Castle of Lions, as well as Kolivan of the Blade of Marmora, were gathered in one of the Castle's many conference rooms, bullied or coerced or asked by Pidge to gather there. Which, of course, left one question on everyone's minds.

"Yeah, which you still haven't told us the point of," Lance groused.

The glare that Pidge pinned Lance with would have melted steel if it were possible. Lance blinked, but otherwise didn't react as Pidge spoke, still glaring. "You're lucky you're the smallest part of this problem. Anyway, since I basically fell into the role of IT expert for the Castle, it has come to my attention that I need to teach a… lesson." Adjusting her glasses, Pidge clicked a few times on the screen in front of her, prompting a slide to pop up on the far wall. The title, in big, bold block letters, read "WHY YOU SHOULD REGULARLY DELETE YOUR GALAXYNET HISTORY."

As one, everyone in the room winced. In response, one of Pidge's eyebrows twitched.

"Yes, you all know what you've done," she said, very evenly. "And guess what: _I_ have to see it, every time I go into the systems to run a diagnostic!"

A click, and the slide transitioned to another, featuring a goofy picture of Lance and several text boxes listing galaxynet sites. Lance squirmed, though no one looked at him.

"Lance, you're the smallest part of the problem. I'd prefer it if you cleared your history regularly, but beauty product sites and the galaxy's Tinder equivalent are pretty harmless."

 _Now_ everyone was looking at Lance, who sank deeper into his seat. "Beauty sites?" Keith asked the question everyone had.

"Not all of us can have perfect skin without even trying, y'know!" Lance snapped.

"Hunk," Pidge continued as Lance went incandescent, a new slide popping up. "Please explain to me why you're browsing the _deep web._ "

Hunk froze as attention shifted from Lance to him. Sweat streamed from his brow. For about a minute, he remained silent, albeit increasingly nervous, before breaking.

"Alright, I'm sorry, I was trying to get my hands on ingredients!"

"You were browsing the deep web for _ingredients?"_ Kolivan repeated, incredulous.

"There are a lot of Earth ingredients that are contraband chemical weapons out here!" Hunk protested.

"Well, be more careful!" Pidge cut in, slamming her palms against the table. "You would not _believe_ how many backdoor viruses I've had to stamp out! And clear your history, please! Some of those sites are just-" She shuddered. "I've seen things…"

Chastised, Hunk nodded. At the same time, Allura reached out, a concerned look on her face.

This was a mistake.

"And speaking of…" Pidge said, flashing glinting glasses at Allura. "Look, if you want to write historical fiction with intensely detailed descriptions of a Wiblum's digestive system, and the effects of said system on Galran anatomy-"

Over on the far side of the table, Keith and Hunk suddenly turned green. Kolivan, meanwhile, cocked an eyebrow at Allura, who had the decency to blush in shame and look away.

"Then be my guest, but don't make me see it. And don't make me see the site you post it on, or I will can't be held responsible for my actions."

"Ah, Pidge?" Shiro hesitantly cut in. "I understand that-"

"I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT FROM YOU, MR. 'TERABYTE PORN HARD DRIVE'!" Pidge suddenly shouted. Everyone's eyes widened, and Shiro took a hesitant step backward. "AND IT'S NOT EVEN VANILLA STUFF! I CAN LIVE WITH THAT! I _DO_ LIVE WITH THAT, WITH CORAN'S BROWSING!"

Coran gulped, and glanced over to Allura. He immediately regretted that decision, as Allura looked about as disappointed as she could possibly be. Thankfully, Pidge's ongoing tirade was a wonderful distraction.

"NOOOOO, YOU HAVE TO GO FIND THE _TOTALLY_ OUT-THERE SHIT!" Nobody commented on the swear. Under the circumstances, nobody _wanted_ to. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I WANTED TO TAKE STEEL WOOL TO MY OWN FRONTAL CORTEX?! _DO YOU!?"_

Shiro had nothing to say to that, instead looking down at the table, shame-faced. Panting, and deprived of a response, Pidge visibly reigned herself in and sat down. "Really? Nothing to say?"

"I'm sorry, Pidge," Shiro said. "Though in my defence, all those months in a Galra prison-"

"Shiro, we love ya, man, but please, quit while you're ahead," Lance cut in. That done, his expression shifted to a grin that could only be described as "shit-eating". "Soooo, how's Keithy been naughty?"

Breathing out the last of her anger, Pidge glanced up at the slide show, still on Hunk's slide, and shrugged before turning back to her audience. "Before I do that, Kolivan." The Galra suddenly stood a little straighter. "You're off the hook, personally, but tell your men to clear their histories, too, when they visit. I've learned more about Galra dating habits than I _ever_ want to know."

"I'll make sure the message is received," Kolivan growled.

"Now, as for Keith…" Pidge said, gathering her thoughts. "Those videos are disturbing and I don't know why you watch them."

Keith's reaction was unexpected: he blinked in confusion. "I… don't see what the problem is?"

Pidge narrowed her eyes. "You… don't see the problem… with watching gory, disturbing versions of beloved children's shows generated by bots before being released out into the galactic ether."

"Wait, you mean those aren't _actual_ Peppa Pig videos?" Keith exclaimed, offended. "The algorithms lied to me!"

For a third time, silence fell over the room as everyone stared at one person in particular. Finally, Lance broke the silence.

"Man, I can't even make fun of that."

With an inarticulate scream of rage, Keith dove at Lance, prompting Shiro and Hunk to dive in and break them up. Ignoring the commotion - or not, judging from the twitch in her cheek that had suddenly developed - Pidge cleared her throat.

"Remember, clear your browsing history at least _once a day,_ " she reminded everyone. "For the sake of my poor, abused sanity, if nothing else."

Everyone nodded, and then the remaining paladins went back to the scuffle.

~o~

*click*

*click*

 _Sigh..._

*click*

"Really?"

*click*

*click*

Sighing for the fifth time in as many minutes, Prince Lotor closed the window he had been scrolling through, and keyed up the communications in his small base, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Ladies. I believe it is time we discuss safe browsing habits…"


	5. Rule 12

**Rule 12: Just because Lance's conditioner makes for a half-decent sealant does not mean you can just take it when you're out of the actual stuff and in a rush.**

"Socket wrench."

"Socket wrench."

Hunk, much of his torso buried behind a chunk of the Castle of Lions' wall panelling, grabbed the proferred tool and went back to work unscrewing a worn-out section of the Castle's plumbing. After 10,000 years, it was frankly a minor miracle that the system worked at all. A few busted or silted-up pipes to fix were a small price to pay.

This task had seen Pidge and Hunk team up: Pidge ran the diagnostic tools that found the trouble spots and also double-checked the work before testing, while Hunk did the actual physical work of replacing the pipes.

Metal pipe clattered onto the floor, and Pidge, for lack of anything better to do while Hunk unscrewed the _other_ length to be replaced, picked it up and examined it. Technology beyond her wildest dreams, including what could only be described as _magic,_ and the Alteans _still_ hadn't come up with anything better than a round, hollow hunk of metal for transporting liquids. The only difference from Earth pipes was the choice of metal.

Another length of pipe clattered, and Pidge grabbed the replacement pipe, screws, and a tube of sealant, just to be sure. But while the first two items were quickly passed on, to her dismay the sealant tube was practically flat.

"Uh, is this enough sealant?" she asked, passing the tube.

Hunk took it, and after about a minute tossed it back out. "Nah, that's not enough." Grunting, he pushed himself out of the wall. "We're gonna have to get more - or fabricate more, depending."

That drew a sigh from Pidge. "I hope we don't have to do that. I don't want to take away Shiro's showers."

Surprisingly, of all the Paladins, _Shiro_ took the longest showers. An outside observer might have assumed that Pidge, the only girl, would've taken the longest. Someone who got to know the Paladins would have more accurately guessed Lance, given his vanity and primping.

But no, it was Shiro, and everyone could guess why. So by unspoken agreement, the younger Paladins had all agreed to not disrupt Shiro's showers unless it was a _literal_ life-or-death emergency that couldn't be handled without him.

It was with that in mind that an idea came to Pidge. "Hey, wait, we could use Lance's conditioner! I've checked the ingredients list, if we heat it up a bit-"

"No," Hunk firmly stated. "Lance's cosmetics are as sacred as Shiro's showers. Plus, the last time someone messed with them…" The large teen shuddered. "He said he'd never look at a Chuck E. Cheese the same way again."

"But-!"

"Sorry, Pidge, bro-code. Let's at least see if we have any sealant left before we do something that drastic, okay?"

Grumbling under her breath, Pidge looked away. Taking that as assent, Hunk walked off to find that sealant.

That was a mistake.

The minute Hunk was out of sight, Pidge straightened up, a look of grim determination on her face. "Sorry, Lance, but this is for the Greater Good," she said to herself, before turning to find Lance's room.

It was nearby, naturally, and Lance was still as bad at room security as ever. She didn't even need her hacking tools for this, he'd _left the door unlocked._ A simple touch had it slide open, the noise hidden by the sound of his shower. Pidge grimaced; that'd make this harder.

Creeping along, she navigated through his somewhat messy room to the bathroom, and slowly peeked in. Thankfully for her sanity, the shower curtain obscured anything more than a silhouette - and more importantly, Lance kept his conditioner _outside_ of said shower. The off-key rendition of "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" was bad enough.

Still creeping along, she made her way to the small shelf that held it, and eased the bottle down, careful not to make a sound. Even when Pidge had the bottle off the shelf and in her hands she didn't relax, creeping back out of the room. Only when she was safely in the hall did she pick up speed and sprint away.

Bare seconds later, Lance's hand reached out for the conditioner, and found nothing but air. The hand withdrew, and Lance's head popped out, also finding nothing. A glance around the room failed to turn up the missing conditioner. As he remembered bringing it in, Lance came to the logical conclusion.

"WHO STOLE MY CONDITIONER?!" he roared.

Back at the work site, Pidge let a grin steal over her face at a job well done. Hunk wasn't back yet, but that was fine, she could do it herself. Heating up the conditioner was a simply matter of removing the cooling system from her little scanner and putting the bottle in its place, before running a wide-area diagnostic. Once it was suitably heated, Pidge unscrewed the conditioner bottle, and grabbing the pipe section and screws, she slid into the panelling (much more easily than Hunk, it should be noted).

Very soon she found that fixing a pipe while standing, crouching, or squatting was a very different proposition from doing it on her back. She dropped the wrench on her head twice, lost two screws, and then squirted the conditioner all over her shirt.

Finally, when she dropped a _third_ screw, she let out a groan of frustration, pulled back out, and resigned herself to waiting for Hunk.

Fotunately, she didn't have to wait long. _Un_ fortunately, Hunk took one look at her and groaned, slapping a hand to his face.

"You used the conditioner, didn't you," he stated more than asked.

"Kinda?" Pidge replied, rubbing the back of her head.

"And here I managed to find more sealant," Hunk sighed, holding up the bottle in question. "Now I'm going to have to do this alone while my partner recovers from Lance's _totally justified_ rage."

"WHO TOOK IT!?"

Pidge froze. Slowly, she turned around to find Lance behind her, looking far more intimidating that a man in a bathroom and wrap-around head towel had any right to be.

Oh, and he was looking right at her.

Lance took a sniff, narrowed his eyes, and walked up to Pidge, glaring at her. "So. It was you. I'm gonna-!"

"Do absolutely nothing," Shiro suddenly cut in. "Lance, I understand you're upset, but this isn't the way to solve this. Pidge… meet me in the cafeteria so we can work out you're going to apologize for this." His gaze slid to Hunk, and softened. "And Hunk? Keep up the good work."

"Aye aye!"


	6. Rule 13

**Rule 13. A friendly reminder that the castle's plumbing is 10,000 years old, and that you need to let everyone know when you're taking a shower lest someone use the water elsewhere.**

Once again, Shiro was taking a shower while everyone else was out in the castle doing… things. Things that did not involve pipes this time. Keith was in the training room busting up training robots; Pidge and Hunk were in their shared work space fiddling with bits of machinery; Allura was heading to the bridge to check on their next destination; Coran was running a maintenance check; and Lance was just finishing up on the toilet.

Pulling his pants back up, Lance flushed the toilet and went to wash his hands.

Immediately, two things happened in rapid succession: first, the water flowing in Shiro's shower suddenly became scalding hot. And second, in response to the first, Shiro let out a scream of pain.

"YAAAAAAAAARGH!"

By some quirk of acoustics, that scream carried far enough into the castle that _everyone_ heard it; in a further coincidence, Keith was between sessions in his training and so the scream was not drowned out by the sound of robots dying via sword. Immediately, everyone dropped what they were doing and sprinted for Shiro's room.

Allura got there first. "Shiro!" she shouted in concern as she half-stumbled, half-skidded through the door. Then she froze.

The reason for her paralysis was just stumbling out of the bathroom, totally ripped, dripping wet, and completely and utterly nude. Naturally, Allura went tomato-red and made a sound not unlike a steam whistle, though her embarrassment was _not_ enough to make her look away.

It was this sound that penetrated Shiro's haze of anger-induced profanity-

"- motherfucking dick-ass-"

And made him actually look up to see the flustered Altean princess. Unlike said flustered princess, Shiro only gained a light dusting of red on his cheeks, and he quickly turned around and power-walked back into the bathroom.

"I'm so sorry, princess. Let me just… get a towel…"

So focused was he on getting that towel he didn't notice Allura's gaze lingering on his butt, nor the softly squeaked "But I don't mind…" And any further opportunities to hear something like that were lost when Lance arrived.

"I'm here, Shiro, what's-" he began, only to spot the wet footprints on the floor, and then the still bright-red Allura. "Ah." Glancing back to Allura, he oh-so-casually asked "So, how was the view?"

"Lance," Allura said, looking at him with watery eyes and an expression of pure reverence. "I have seen paradise and it is Shiro's ass."

Part of Lance wanted to go despondent at that. The other… well, couldn't help but point out that it was, indeed, a very fine ass, and that there was no shame in not matching it.

"Shiro!"

Thankfully, Keith and Coran showed up to arrest those thoughts before they went any deeper down the rabbit hole.

To the relief of the two newcomers, Shiro stepped out of the bathroom a few seconds after they arrived. To the half-relief, half-disappointment of the two already present, he was pretty much fully dressed.

"Hey. Sorry to worry everyone," he said with a congenial smile. "Weirdest thing, the water suddenly shifted from hot to scalding."

Lance winced, and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, that might be my fault. I flushed a toilet, like, two seconds before you screamed." He shrugged at the questioning looks sent his way. "That happens a lot with old plumbing. And the Castle's is 10,000 years old."

"I'm surprised they even use water," Keith remarked.

"Vacuum toilets were attempted, but standard flush toilets were found to be more efficient," Coran explained. "See, with flush toilets, you can recycle the-"

"I… don't think we need to know that," Shiro cut in. "In any case, once Pidge and Hunk get here-"

As if on cue, the two staggered in right as Shiro said that, Hunk sucking wind and Pidge not looking too good herself.

"Sorry," she panted. "Short legs…"

"As I was saying, until that plumbing issue gets fixed, we should add a new rule to the list," Shiro said. "Namely, alert everyone in the Castle when you're taking a shower so that we can all avoid using water."

"In that case, we should probably set up a showering schedule. It's the best way to not disrupt things elsewhere," Coran added.

"And use the communications system!" Lance cut in. "You need _everyone_ to hear this!"

"Pidge and I will get back to working on the plumbing," Hunk concluded. "Hopefully we can find the problem and fix it fast."

Shiro nodded. "We have a plan, then. Let's execute!"

With that, the team filed out, leaving behind Allura, still blushing like mad.

~o~

 _Three days later_

Pidge staggered into the cafeteria, bleary-eyed. Diagnosing the plumbing problem was proving a headache. Even an all-nighter had failed to produce anything more than marginal progress.

Walking past several other inhabitants of the Castle of Lions, Pidge made a beeline for the… well, it wasn't a coffee maker, as the Alteans didn't have coffee, but it was a hot beverage with lots of caffeine, so it qualified. To her annoyance, previous drinkers had depleted the first pot, so she hooked it up to the machine and set it to percolating.

"SONNUVA-!"

The agonized howl registered somewhere in Pidge's sleep-deprived brain, but was promptly dismissed. Not important. Get coffee. Or alien ersatz coffee. Bah, caffeine. Or at least the closest possible equivalent.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, the brew finished. Pidge poured herself a cup, and slowly sipped it down, feeling the life return to her.

Then Shiro barged in, hair still wet.

"Alright, who used the water?!" he bellowed.

Immediately, the other three in the room - Keith, Coran, and Hunk - all pointed at Pidge.


	7. Rule 15

**Rule 15: There is a fine line between friendly ribbing and outright bullying. Do not cross that line.**

It was a normal day on the Castle of Lions. Lance was busy shooting robots in the training room, Coran was running a systems check, and everyone else had been dragged to the main exit by Hunk for a picnic.

"I still don't understand why we have to do this," Pidge groused. "I could be doing important work, like… defragging my latest version of the cloaking software."

" _I_ think you could use the sun, Pidge," Allura replied, an easy smile on her face. "I'm also eager to see how Earth traditions differ from Altean in this regard."

"Bleh, sun. I have enough freckles as it is."

"At least the terrain's nice," Keith remarked, glancing at one of the viewing screens.

Indeed, under a blue sky decorated with fluffy clouds, sat acres upon acres of rolling, grass-covered hills, studded at irregular intervals with squat, tough-looking trees. The only thing that distinguished it from a great many similar plains on Earth was the grass and leaves, which were _purple._

With Keith's comment, Shiro smirked a little. "Going for a hike?"

"That's what I was thinking, yeah," Keith replied. "Grab some food and water, go find a hill that gives a good view. I haven't had a chance to do that since leaving Earth."

Lost in wistful thought, Keith didn't notice the looks everyone else was giving him, Shiro's familiar and indulgent, Allura's surprised yet happy, and Pidge's gape-mouthed astonishment. Then Hunk barged in, a roll of cloth under one arm and a plastic box over one shoulder.

"Alright, let's get this show on the road!" he barked. "If somebody could grab the blanket-"

"I've got it."

"Thanks, Allura. Now, I packed-"

Sadly, the menu would have to wait a little longer as something rocked the entire castle. Allura immediately dashed to one of the communications panels and activated it.

"Coran, are we under attack?!"

"Doesn't look like it," Keith said just before Coran answered with " _We're not, Princess. I believe that whatever caused that was_ inside _the castle!"_

Another crash rocked the castle, and squaring her shoulders, Allura marched up to the door. "I'm sorry, Hunk, but I think we're going to have to postpone the picnic."

"Eh," the Paladin shrugged. "Lemme just put this in the fridge, I'll catch up."

Nodding, Allura opened the door and ran through the halls, Shiro, Pidge, and Keith right behind her. Mercifully, no more impacts shook the castle, else someone would have taken a spill.

" _Princess, head to the Lions' hangers,"_ Coran reported in. " _And- Ah, good, you already have Pidge and Keith with you."_

"The _Lions_ are causing this?" Pidge incredulously demanded.

" _Yes, the Green and Red Lions were, ah, fighting. And if I'm reading the body language right, the only reason they aren't still fighting is because the Black Lion is sitting on them."_

Even Keith couldn't help an amused snort at the mental image that produced; Pidge outright had to stop to laugh, which meant everyone else had to stop and wait for her to finish.

"I have to see this," Shiro remarked, mirth coloring his every word. "And Coran, the situation's contained, right?"

" _Well, yes, but I'd be a lot more comfortable if you could fix the situation in a hurry!"_

"Pidge…"

"Heh… eheheh… just… gimme a second…" Pidge wheezed, one hand bracing herself against the wall. "Okay… Okay, I'm good. Let's go."

~o~

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Pidge collapsed to the floor on her back, clutching her gut and _roaring_. Reality, as it so rarely did, outdid the mental images. Everyone had imagined the Black Lion sitting on them in the usual manner of a regular cat: on its rear and hind legs. Not sprawled out on its belly, the Green and Red Lions only visible as a pair of mechanical hindquarters with kicking legs, their tails trapped in the Black Lion's clenched jaws.

That left Allura, Shiro, and Keith to attempt to hold in their laughter. Aside from some snorts from Keith and some helpless giggling from Allura, they did.

After a few deep breaths, Shiro said, "Alright, let's get to the bottom of this. I'll have the Black Lion let the other two up-"

"Hoo…" Pidge wheezed as she stood up. Then she saw the Lions again. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Never mind, I'll have the Black Lion let the Red Lion up," Shiro pivoted.

With a rumble of metal and servos, the Black Lion stood, lifted one paw, and let the Red Lion's tail slide out of its jaws. The smaller Lion immediately took the opportunity to clamber out and, after a glare at both remaining Lions, stalked off in what could only be a huff, head tilted up and tail straight vertical.

"I'll talk to him," Keith said, following the Lion.

Finally, a few minutes after Keith was out of sight, Pidge finally got her breath back, which prompted the Black Lion to let up the Green. Walking up to the mechanical beast, Pidge placed her hand on it and closed her eyes.

More time passed before Pidge opened her eyes, a somewhat confused look on her face.

"Okay, so Green is saying that she was just teasing Red-"

" _They can communicate with each other?!"_ Coran and Allura interjected simultaneously.

"And then he got all mad and tackled her," Pidge finished.

Shiro hummed thoughtfully. "The Red Lion is the most temperamental," he remarked. "But I think we'll have to wait for Keith to get back with his testimony."

Nodding, Pidge stepped back, side-eyeing Allura, who had crouched down and was muttering something under her breath.

"Proooobably don't want to know…"

Mercifully, Keith arrived shortly thereafter to distract her from an apparently gone-bananas princess. _Un_ fortunately, he also seemed to be trying to incinerate her with his eyes alone.

Shiro didn't miss that, either. "What happened?"

"The Green Lion," Keith all but spat. "Was insulting Red! Nonstop! Constantly!"

Frowning, Pidge placed her hand back on her Lion - and then the frown morphed into an annoyed scowl and she kicked the robot on the leg. Once she hopped off the stubbed toe that resulted, she got to reprimanding her Lion.

"I don't care what planet you're from, insinuating that Red will let us all down is way too far!"

The Green Lion's head shifted, almost looking contrite.

"I don't care if that's not what you intended! How the hell did you _think_ that was going to be taken?!"

Well. Probably a good thing this issue had been spotted _before_ one of the Paladins stepped into it, Shiro mused to himself. He knew about all the good-natured ribbing that went on between the Paladins, and it did dance dangerously close to the line at times.

"If I could interrupt," he prompted, Pidge going quiet. "I think now would be a good time to remind everyone not to let the friendly banter cross over into bullying. Coran?"

" _Already entered in The List, Shiro,"_ the Altean replied.

Another shift from the Green Lion. "Add another that says that the rules apply to the _Lions,_ too!" Pidge snapped.

" _Done!"_

"Keith, Pidge, do you think your Lions are ready to work things out?" Shiro asked.

"He'll want an apology," Keith replied.

"He'll get an apology," Pidge stated, sidelong eyeing her Lion. " _Right?"_

The Lion in question shifted, pointedly looking away from Pidge.

The door opened, Lance stepping in. "So, what'd I miss?"

"A little lesson on the line between banter and bullying, with our _fine_ Lions providing a live example," Pidge answered.

"Neat," Lance nodded. "So, who snapped and attacked who first?"

"What does that have to do with-"

"Lance, I don't think-"

"Red Lion."

Lance grinned. "I knew it."

For a long moment, Keith didn't say anything. And then he slowly unclipped his bayard from his belt and handed it to Shiro.

"In the interest of making this fair," he growled. "I'll give you a ten-second head start. One…"

Immediately, Lance turned and bolted out of the bay.

"Two… Ten!"

And then Keith was hot on his heels.

"Sooooo… where does this fall under?" Pidge wondered.

"Banter," Shiro replied. "Keith won't actually hurt Lance. Much. A bruise, at best."

~o~

Deep within the Castle's cold storage, Hunk shivered, head on a swivel and picnic basket still on his shoulder.

"G-G-Great…" he shivered, teeth chattering. "I-I-I'm l-lost in a-a w-walk-in f-f-fridge… O-Of all p-places..."


	8. Rule 18

**Rule 18. Different species means different body chemistries. Do NOT try feeding someone from one planet a delicacy from another before running it through the lab.**

Allura and four of the five Paladins of Voltron sat outside one of the Castle of Lions' bathrooms, covering their ears. Originally, they had come to support their comrades who had all but raced here, but then the sounds of an incompetently executed exorcism wafted out, too horrible to listen to unfiltered. Conversation, of course, was impossible.

Then, finally, Satan's trumpets ceased calling his demons back to Hell. For how long, nobody knew.

"What did they _eat?!"_ Hunk and Keith chorused at once, concern dripping from their voices.

"I don't know!" Allura wailed. "All I saw was Coran slicing up some brown… rectangular thing, and then only in passing!"

Hunk perked up all of a sudden. "Wait, you mean he ate-"

A sound like terrified Germans screaming under artillery fire started up again. Those gathered glanced at each other, and came to a conclusion.

"We should take this somewhere else!"

~o~

"Alright, so we've determined that Coran ate some of the bread I baked," Hunk concluded in the blessed silence of the main meeting room. "Why that's causing… this is something we can figure out later. What did _Lance_ eat?"

"You baked bread?" Shiro all but demanded, a hint of drool leaking out of the side of his mouth. "Why now and not-"

"For whatever reason, yeast is basically impossible to find out here," Hunk shrugged.

Silence fell, everyone trying to think of what Lance might have eaten.

"I got nothing," Hunk shrugged.

And if Hunk, Lance's best friend and best chef on the ship didn't know, no one else did.

"We'll come back to that, I suppose," Allura decided. "Let's go back to this 'bread' Coran supposedly ate. What… is it, exactly?"

"A grain, usually wheat, ground up into flour, mixed with a rising agent and some other ingredients," Hunk answered.

"Oh!" Allura declared. "Like baked noodles!"

The four earthlings present all shared a _look_. "Noooot really?" Pidge drew out. "Do you guys not have baked goods out here in space?"

"I don't think so," Allura replied. "Most cultures I know of that cultivate grain cook the grains directly.

"Like rice, then," Shiro ventured. "No wonder you didn't recognize bread."

"Alright. And what about yeast?"

"That's one of the rising agents I mentioned," Hunk answered. "It's a fungus that-"

With a sudden move that sent her chair clattering to the floor, Allura jumped up and back hard enough to bang her head on the wall and ceiling simultaneously. The earthlings immediately shot up to help, but the Altean waved them off.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just…" The look on her face was pleading. "A _fungus?_ Who in their right minds eats _anything_ that grows out of dead meat?"

Another glance among the earthlings, this one uncomfortable. "Well, when you put it like _that…"_ Pidge grumbled.

"It's probably the yeast, then," Keith ventured. "If it's associated with rot around here, it probably has _some_ sort of bad effect. And yeast infections are a thing on Earth already."

"Ugh, yeah, you're right," Hunk groaned. "Well, at least it just caused gastrointestinal distress instead of _killing_ someone."

Allura nodded. "I think we need to start testing new foods before anyone tries them. We don't want to count on luck for this."

"We still need to figure out what set Lance off, keep in mind."

Keith smirked. It was not a nice smirk. "Then there's only one place to look."

~o~

"And we're snooping in Lance's room _why?"_

"Because we don't officially have a pantry, and this is the only other place he could be storing something that would have him sitting on the porcelain throne for this long?"

"Rhetorical question, Hunk."

"Found it."

Not two minutes of searching, and everyone was clustering around Keith as he hauled a box out from under Lance's bed. "POWERTHIRST!", the packaging loudly proclaimed, complete with lots of radioactive green and stylized lightning bolts. Conspicuously, one of the cans was clearly missing.

"Now, let's check the ingredients," the Paladin said with obvious relish, turning the package over. "Water, soda water- a ha! Lycasin!"

Shiro blanched. "Lycasin?!" he yelped in a voice a good octave higher than normal, which prompted odd looks from Pidge, Hunk and Allura. Looks that sent Shiro's expression into incredulous convulsions. "Oh, come on! Amazon reviews? Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears?"

"This is some sort of old meme thing, isn't it," Pidge stated, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

You could almost _see_ the world balloon with Pidge's reply stab Shiro right through the chest. He slumped over, one hand catching against the wall before his head could complete the journey.

"Old…" he muttered despondently.

Immediately, Pidge went from confused to flustered. "W-Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that you're out of touch-!"

Turning away from the impending disaster, Allura asked Keith, "I'm sorry, but what is the significance of lycasin? I know it's a common artificial sweetener throughout the galaxy…"

"And much like yeast for Alteans, it causes a gastrointestinal apocalypse in most humans," Keith smirked.

Allura aahed in understanding. "Poor Lance."

"And poor Coran," Keith added.

The two were silent for a moment, and then a terrible thought occurred to them.

"Pidge!" they shouted in unison, whirling around.

"- And I never meant to imply that you're crotchety-"

"Pidge!" Keith barked. "Damage control with Shiro later!" He glanced at his leader, who was curled up in a fetal position on the floor. "Great… more importantly, how will the plumbing hold up?"

Taking a moment to compose herself, Pidge snorted derisively. "First thing we fixed. I want to be able to do a laxative prank _without_ flooding the Castle in sewage."

"What's this about a laxative-"

"Not important!" Pidge interrupted, a little too frantically.


	9. Rule 19

**Rule 19. The Castle's cold storage areas are very large, and may be bigger on the inside. Always take your transponder with you when entering.**

"Here you go, Hunk," Allura said, placing a steaming mug of some sort of hot drink in front of him. Shivering, the Paladin extricated his hands from the half-dozen blankets it was under, picked it up, and took a shaky sip.

"T-Thanks…"

The remainder of the Castle's crew, minus Lance, were on the other side of the room, having convened a hasty conference.

"Alright, how on _Earth_ did Hunk get lost in a walk-in freezer, of all things?" Keith demanded.

"It must be big. Very big," Shiro decided, Pidge nodding sagely.

"Not big enough to get lost in," Coran stated, stroking his mustache in thought. "Then again, the last time I checked was before the Castle was shut down 10,000 years ago. It's possible something might have changed."

Pidge quirked an eyebrow. "This is a machine, isn't it? How would it change its own internal structure like that."

"The Castle of Lions isn't the same technology as the Lions themselves," Coran answered. "But they _are_ based on the same principles, and I can tell you right now, the Lions have grown and changed over the years in ways pure mechanical technology cannot."

Shiro nodded. "Alright, we'll assume that the cold storage area _has_ expanded. What do we do?"

"Not go in it?" Keith offered. "I mean, we don't use it for very much, anyway."

"Probably not viable," Coran countered. "Besides the fact that Hunk would howl, we never know when we might need it."

"Then a transponder, or some sort of emergency beacon," Pidge suggested. "And a rule on The List to make sure people actually _follow_ it."

Nodding, the group stood straight to break up, only for Keith to suddenly stiffen.

"Wait. Where's Lance?"

~o~

"Day three in the frozen wastes," Lance spoke into his little recorder, voice muffled by three layers of scarving covering his mouth and supply-laden sled dragging behind him. "Food, while scarce, remains adequate. Fuel, however, is running low. If I don't-"

" _Lance! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"_

"Oh, hey, Shiro!" Lance replied.

" _Don't 'Hey Shiro!' me!"_ the head of the Paladins snapped. " _I repeat: what the hell are you doing?!"_

"I'm mapping out the freezers," was the answer, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Gotta say, thing's massive, and there's a _lot_ of millennia-old meat in here. Tell Hunk to not defrost it, okay? I don't wanna catch some alien food poisoning."

" _That's-!"_

"Look, _Mom,"_ Lance interrupted before Shiro could get very far. "I'm not stupid, okay? I prepared for this. I'm super bundled up, and I brought supplies for an Arctic trip, enough for a good week. Oh, yeah, and I've been mapping this place, so I can find my way back whenever I want."

" _While I'm glad you seem to have actually thought this through,"_ Shiro bit out, exasperated. " _We've decided that we're going to try and stay_ out _of that place unless we absolutely need to."_

"Fine…" Lance grumbled, rolling his eyes. Any further action was derailed by a sudden howling in the distance. "Uh… Shiro, I'm gonna need to call you back."

" _Lance, wait-!"_

Shutting off his comms, Lance reached to his waist and unhooked his bayard, the weapon shifting into its distinctive rifle shape. Squinting down the sights, he watched as dark shapes loped into view.

And then something slammed into him from behind, and he felt sharp teeth jab into a sensitive part of his anatomy.

~o~

After the comlink shut off, Shiro had taken to pacing in front of the entrance to the freezer, the rest of the impromptu strategy team watching him.

Finally, Pidge slipped up her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Shiro, I get you're worried about Lance, but could you stop pacing like that? You're giving me a headache."

"Sorry," Shiro sighed, coming to a halt. "It's just… I worry."

"Come now, Shiro," Coran said. "I'm sure Lance knows what he's doing."

"Or, more likely, that idiot's gotten in over his head again after biting off more than he could chew out of some sense of bravado," Keith countered.

At that, the pacing resumed.

Thankfully for Pidge's cranial health, it was barely a minute later that the door to the freezer opened up, Lance stepping out.

"Oh, good, you're-" Shiro began, only to recoil back.

Lance was a mess. Wicked-looking icicles festooned his bundled-up form, and as he turned to Shiro, it was all Keith, Pidge, and Coran could do to not laugh at the oddly-shaped, made-of-ice skull _clamped to his ass._

"So, uh, there are wolf-things made of ice in that freezer," Lance said, with all the casualness of talking about the weather. "Thought you should know." And with that, he began to strip off the winter gear.

"You're alright… right?" Shiro hesitantly asked.

"Yeah, 'm fine. Layers absorbed it all."

"Right… and the, uh…"

Here Shiro helplessly indicated the skull still attached to Lance's pants.

"Don't. Even ask," Lance sighed. The sound of a phone camera going off prompted him to look up. "Hey!"

"Aaaand… blackmail," Keith and Pidge said in unison, something that prompted Pidge to give a vulpine grin and jab the other Paladin in the ribs. "I see you've been taking notes, my young Padawan," she said in a terrible Obi-Wan voice.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Keith primly replied.

"Oh, you know _ex_ actly what I'm talking about!"

As Pidge pushed and Keith denied, a happy smile slid onto Lance's face. "Worth it," he said.

"Even the ice wolf skull biting into your ass?" Shiro prompted.

"Okay, maybe not that." His eye twitched slightly. "Also, while we're on the subject, could you maybe try and get it off please? No rush, but it's still alive, and trying _really_ hard to get through my pants."


	10. Rule 22

**Rule 22: Shiro, we're all glad that you enjoy piloting Voltron, but please stop pretending you're Godzilla.**

Another day, another Galra base for Voltron to be smashing to pieces- er, another planet to liberate from Galra rule. Most of the time, they would be opposed by a few battlecruisers, or maybe a Robeast cooked up by Zarkon's witch. Not this time. This time, they were opposed merely by a lot of Galra tanks, which was a surprise, as it was the first time the Paladins had seen them.

Not that it did the Galra much good. The tanks might as well have been plastic toys for all the headway they were making against Voltron.

"Man, I actually feel sorry for these guys," Lance muttered. "I'm not alone here, am I?"

"Nope, definitely feel sorry," Hunk contributed, wincing as another line of tanks blew up under the Green Lion's laser.

"Yeah, this is just excessive," Pidge agreed. Voltron's blue foot rose up, and came down on a tank, before the green arm smashed through one of the tall towers that made up the base. "Really, really excessive."

"I'm more worried about Shiro," Keith said.

As one, the Paladins winced, and they could just picture Allura and Coran, back on the Castle of Lions, doing the same.

"Maybe he's stopped?" Hunk wondered hopefully, keying on a channel on his radio.

"GROAAAAAAR!"

Immediately, he shut it off again, shuddering. "Nope! Not stopped at all!"

Resigned sighs rang out, partially drowned out by another laser beam obliterating some more Galra tanks. And then, the sighs were replaced by whoops of joy when a massive Robeast fell out of the sky.

"Hallelujah! Finally, something we need to get _tactical_ against!" Lance cried.

"Yeah, if anything can snap Shiro out of this, it's a situation where he needs to actually _think_ ," Keith agreed.

A dull greyish-pink, and resembling an unholy cross between a shark and a large lizard, the Robeast roared and charged straight at Voltron. The Paladins flicked on their radio channels to the Black Lion, meeting blessed silence, and all braced as the robot did so.

Voltron and the Robeast slammed together like angry weather fronts, tearing up the pavement beneath them and tossing about the few surviving tanks. For a long minute, the two shoved back and forth, and then in one fluid motion Voltron threw off its opponent and shifted its grip, the Green Lion clamping its jaws around the Robeast's neck and the Red Lion charging up a laser.

And it didn't take a genius to see what Shiro was going for.

"Oooorrrr he could just tap into his knowledge of Godzilla fights for ideas," Pidge deadpanned.

The laser fired - right down the Robeast's open maw. Naturally, the poor thing's construction did not take well to such abuse, and after about ten seconds of continuous fire, the thing died in its usual fiery explosion. With the death of its opponent, Voltron threw its head back, and any observers would have noted that it would have been roaring if it could.

As one, the Paladins sighed.

~o~

Shiro sighed happily, slipping off his helmet as he entered the briefing room fresh from his Lion. That… had felt _good._ A cleansing, almost. And his mother had told him those movies would rot his brain.

Then he opened the door, and walked into a veritable _wall_ of sheer disapproval. Even Coran was glaring at him!

"Shiro," Keith said, very evenly. "We need to talk."

It took every bit of willpower he had not to bolt immediately. And something in that must have shown in his posture.

"Jeez, Keith, tone it down a little, will ya?" Lance interjected, features softening. "Look, we just want to know what got into you during that fight. It was… kinda scary."

"I'm telling you, too many Godzilla movies," Pidge said, prompting Shirou to break out into a cold sweat.

' _Shit, can't think. Panicking. Act on instinct.'_

Doing exactly that, Shirou attempted to dive for the nearest window. Unfortunately, he was in a spaceship with no windows within a hundred feet. The end result was that he threw himself head-first into a solid wall.

' _Instincts bad…'_

~o~

"Perhaps we shouldn't bring this up again until he does it again?" Coran suggested as Shiro crumpled to the floor.

EVeryone else present and conscious nodded, pained grimaces on their faces.


	11. Rule 24

**Rule 24: If we can hear your music from the next room, it's too loud.**

It all started when Lance passed by the open door the maintenance bays. Music wafted out of the door, odd and at once familiar. His experienced ear picked out multiple synth lines, tribal drums, and, of course, a drum loop, all repeating over and over. Unconsciously, he began to bob his head and tap his foot, and he cast about for the source of the familiarity.

"Where have I heard this before…?" he muttered, before shrugging and walking into the bay. Only one way to find out!

The source was obvious, Pidge hunched over a workstation topped with a pair of kludged-together speakers. She was also very far away, and Lance winced at the thought of what that was doing to her ears.

So, Lance marched towards Pidge, both to preserve her fragile eardrums and to find out what kind of music she was listening to. This quickly ran into the problem that the music shifted into a veritable wall of sound about twenty feet away from the other Paladin.

"Hey, Pidge!" Lance shouted, but the wall of sound carried his voice away like a leaf in a hurricane. "Pidge!" And that was a slightly bigger leaf dancing in the same hurricane.

Gritting his teeth, Lance wracked his brain for a way to oh wow he was an idiot. Reaching down, Lance detached his helmet from his belt and put it on. Much better.

Now that he could just walk up to Pidge, it was the simplest of matter to just tap on her shoulder. Pidge turned around, and Lance tapped his helmet where his ears would be. Thankfully, she got the message, and turned down the music to "background ambience" levels.

"Sorry," she said, not sounding sorry at all. "Bit too loud?"

Lance's face went flatter than that one flat planet they had visited. "I could hear it through the door," he said, jabbing his thumb at the door in question.

Pidge leaned around Lance, following his thumb, and then graced him with her own flat expression. "I don't believe you."

"Hey, Pidge!" Hunk called as he walked in. "Thought I heard those weird tones you like to listen to!"

"They're not weird tones!" Pidge snapped. "It's trance music! Art!"

"Okay," Hunk said, nodding. "But they're _also_ weird tones. Anyway, do you know where I can find a hammer."

Grumbling under her breath, Pidge reached down and grabbed a claw hammer before pitching it at Hunk to catch.

"So, why're you all annoyed?" Lance asked. "He seemed pretty agreeable about it."

"Yeah, too agreeable," Pidge groused. "I don't buy it."

A raised eyebrow, and an unspoken question.

"He listens to classical and jazz!" Pidge snapped. "Good jazz! He's supposed to be all smug and snooty and pretentious about it!"

The other eyebrow joined its brethren. "So… you're annoyed that Hunk _isn't_ being a pretentious ass?"

Pidge froze, before turning her glare on Lance. "Shut up."

"Tell me about this music and I will," was the reply.

Eyes glittering, Pidge immediately launched into a well-practiced spiel. "I can't believe you've never heard of trance music! Oh, man, you're missing out! Trance music is… well, it's a little hard to describe-"

~o~

Sleep time on the Castle of Lions was a cherished, precious thing. And not just because of Shiro. All of the crew of the Castle put in intense physical labor - or were Coran, and thus were running around attending to a thousand and one minor problems. The point being, if anything interrupted the sleepytimes, the Paladins tended to get… grumpy. As one hapless Galra battlecruiser had found out the hard way.

So when some very Galra-esque guttural roaring, backed by a harsh but decidedly melodic guitar line, suddenly started blasting near the sleeping corridors, it was little surprise that Bayards were activated and pointed, regardless of the fact that they were all in their pajamas.

Of course, there were no Galra, and the music - if it could be called that - was still blaring. So tempers cooled quickly, which just led to finger-pointing.

"I should've known you'd be a blaring metalhead!" Lance said, pointing an accusatory finger at Keith.

"Me?! I listen to pop!" Keith protested, realizing one second too late that that was _probably_ not the best answer.

At least the finger-pointing stopped as the Garrison trio switched to gaping openly at him.

"You mean… indie pop… right?" Pidge very carefully stated.

"Or Latin pop, that works too!" Lance added.

Keith sighed. "No, I mean regular, American top 40 pop." Protests of outrage immediately sprang up, and the Paladin rolled his eyes. "The only station I got out in the desert was a top 40 station, sue me."

"That's no excuse!"

"Uh, guys?" Hunk tried. "Maybe we can deal with the blaring death metal first? Before it wakes up Shiro or something?" No response, the other three Paladins too busy bickering. Besides, he could see Shiro ambling up the hall behind them. "Never mind. Now, let's see if I still have some popcorn…"

~o~

 _Two minutes ago…_

Unlike everyone else's bedroom, Shiro's was heavily soundproofed. Everyone had kind of insisted. So it was a credit to the loudness of the death metal blaring in the halls that Shiro could kinda sort hear it. Not enough to really wake him, but enough to get him to tap a finger to the beat.

Suddenly, Shiro's eyes shot open, and he clambered out of bed and then out of his room, following the sound of the music.

It didn't take him long to find the source; it was fairly close by, after all. The only surprise was that it was _Allura_ listening to it - and also scrambling around trying to find… something.

"Allura…?"

"Sorry, I'm sorry!" Allura frantically said, still scrambling around. "I'm trying to stop it but the volume control isn't working and-"

CRUNCH!

Allura blinked as Shiro extracted his artificial arm from one of the speaker's, the device in pieces.

"Er, that works too," she said.

"I didn't take you for a death metal fan," Shiro commented as he wiped electrical components off his hand.

"Well, it's _Galra_ death metal…"

A pause as Shiro turned that statement over.

"Death metal performed by Galra?" he asked. "Or death metal _about_ Galra?"

The princess nodded. "Yes."

The pause that followed was significantly more awkward.

"Well, I'll have to get Pidge and Hunk in to fix this tomorrow."

"And I should get back to bed." Shiro turned to walk out, but stopped in the doorway. "Good night, Allura."

A smile quirked at the princess' lips. "Good night, Shiro."

~o~

Breakfast the next morning was a subdued affair from lack of sleep. Only Coran was fully awake, and he was, in fact, _annoyingly_ chipper.

That Lance wasn't present probably had something to do with it, too.

And then… suddenly, a very familiar synth line.

"Oh no," Pidge breathed, her face chalk-white. "He wouldn't-!"

"He would," Keith signed, resigned.

And then, Lance strutted in, sunglasses covering his eyes and Gangnam Style blaring in the background.

Keith groaned and dropped his head to the table. Hunk sighed and went back to eating. Shiro facepalmed. And Allura and Coran just watched in confusion.

And Pidge…

"Why?!" she wailed.

"Because I'm sick and tired of people blaring music loud enough to be heard outside their rooms!" Lance snapped. "And if I have to suffer, so does everyone else!"

On cue, the music cut out, and then…

" _Oppa Gangnam Style!"_

Lance did the horsey dance. No shame.

"Oh, is this an Earth dance?" Allura said, clapping her hands. "It looks fun!"

"Princess, no," Pidge deadpanned.

"Don't worry, I'm studying the moves," Coran announced, serious as a heart attack. "When the chorus hits again, follow my lead, princess."

"Is this actually happening."

Sure enough, the chorus rolled around again, and there were Allura and Coran, doing the dance right next to Lance. A little out of synch, a little jerky, but they were doing it.

It was at this point that Pidge just gave up and dropped her head to the table.


	12. Rule 25

**Rule 25: Do not disturb Shiro's rest. Not only is it mean, I have trained his therapy bunny to go for the throat. - Keith**

"What do you mean, you won't allow me to see the Black Paladin?" Kolivan demanded.

"Exactly what I said," Keith pompously replied.

Allura jumped in before things could devolve any further. "Paladin Shiro still has scars from his time as a Galra prisoner. And not only physical ones, either. As such, we have all agreed that his rest is not to be disturbed except in the most dire of emergencies."

"And before you say that this _is_ a dire emergency," Lance cut in, sweeping his arm out dramatically. "I don't feel any Galra lasers rockin' this casbah!"

"You can just wait until he wakes up like the rest of us," Keith concluded.

Sighing explosively, Kolivan spun on his heel and stalked out. Back at the table, Pidge and Hunk grasped each other's hands and shook vigorously.

"So, how long d'you think it'll be before Kolivan tries to wake up Shiro?" Lance wondered.

"Sucker's bet," Keith replied, leaning back in his chair. "I bet he's on his way right now. Makes me glad I trained his therapy bunny to go for the throat."

Eyes narrowed, Lance and Allura leaned in towards Keith. "What?"

~o~

A small part of Kolivan knew that this was wrong. The news he brought was urgent, yes, but nothing that couldn't wait a few hours. The much larger part of him that had spent decades slowly undermining the Galra Empire shoved that aside. The news, after all, was urgent, and they needed to start planning a response ten minutes ago.

The door was locked, of course, but not with any sort of actual security. It was meant to keep busybody comrades out, not a determined intruder. Kolivan would have decried the lack of security if he didn't know that any intruder that got this far wasn't going to be stopped by a locked door.

Regardless, it only took him a couple minutes to crack it open, the door automatically sliding open. Kolivan froze, but the noise didn't seem to have woken Shiro up. As such, the Blade stepped in-

And paused at the sight of the small, big-eared, snow-white creature standing in front of him. He blinked, tilting its head, as it hopped around, snuffling at the immaculately clean floor. Well, it obviously wasn't a threat. Ignoring it, Kolivan walked up to Shiro's bedside, placed a hand on the sleeping man's shoulder, and opened his mouth to-

Suddenly, there was a very strong pain in his right calf muscle. As a trained warrior, he didn't let out more than a grunt of pain as he collapsed to the floor, but it still made the top ten. Clenching his jaw, he looked up to have his vision filled with gleaming buck teeth.

~o~

"Damn," Keith said. "I knew I should have trained her more. She didn't go for the throat first."

Pidge looked up and away from Allura patching up Kolivan long enough to throw him an incredulous look. " _That's_ what you're worried about?!" she demanded. "The leader of the Blade of Marmora, our strongest ally, is bleeding out on the floor, and you're worried about your stupid _rabbit?!"_

"It's not my rabbit, it's Shiro's. And it needs to be able to defend him while he's asleep." He paused, tilting his head back in thought. "Hmm, maybe we should litter Shiro's room with bones to complete the effect."

Pidge continued to stare at him, mouth hanging open. "No," she finally said, turning away. "I refuse."

"Refuse what?" Keith asked.

Any answer was preempted by Coran jogging in, dragging a hover stretcher behind him. "Someone help me get him onto the stretcher!" he said. "Princess, how is he?"

"He's not going to bleed out anytime soon, but we definitely need to get him to the infirmary ASAP," Allura answered.

"Get who to the infirmary?"

Shiro raised an eyebrow as he walked out of his room, therapy bunny on his shoulder and eyes drawn toward the down Kolivan. "What happened to Kolivan?"

No one answered, but they did all turn to stare at Keith who, for his part, had gone white as a sheet.

The byplay, and the implications of it, were impossible to miss, of course, and Shiro narrowed his eyes.

"Keith. What did you do."

Keith's eyes unconsciously flicked towards the rabbit on Shiro's shoulder. However, when Shiro followed the look, instead of the disappointment everyone expected, he just smiled and chuckled.

"This little guy? You trained him?" he said. "Thank you, Keith, he's been a big help."

WHUMP!

"Ah, thank you, Shiro," Keith said as everyone else went flat on their face. "She's a girl, though."

"I'm so confused…" Coran whined.


	13. Rule 26

**Rule 26.** _ **Clean up after yourselves.**_ **Dirty clothes and dishes are bad enough; we draw the line at food scraps!**

Keith and Lance cowered behind an overturned table as the sounds of utter carnage, Godzilla with anger management issues, and a choir of souls damned to the sixth circle of hell washed over them. Both had an urge to look over the table to assess the situation. A puddle of vomit next to Keith attested to how good an idea _that_ was.

"What have we done…" Keith breathed.

"I just don't know what went wrong…" Lance groaned.

~o~

 _Fifteen minutes ago_

Lance took in the sight of the Castle of Lions' mess. Food goo dripped from several surfaces, including the ceiling, and then there were the recently-fabricated cooking instruments caked with more familiar food stacked into the comically undersized sink. This would take over an _hour_ to clean by himself, and for the first time in a long while, Lance's natural aversion to work overrode instincts beaten into him by his many older sisters.

"Nope," he declared, swinging on his heel and striding out - and nearly colliding with Keith in the corridor.

Putting on the brakes just in time, Lance eyed the stack of clothes held in Keith's arms, easily recognizable as Princess Allura's.

"She slept on the bridge again, didn't she," he said more than asked.

"Yeah," Keith replied, a haunted look in his eyes.

Lance knew he should leave that alone, really, he did, but curiosity and concern tag-teamed his self-preservation and chokeslammed it to the mat.

"Uh, you okay, man?"

"Not really," Keith bit out. "I found something… new… with the clothes today." With that, Keith shifted the bundle a little to reveal-

Oh. _Oh._ Well, this certainly wasn't how Lance wanted to find out _that_ little piece of information.

"Right…" he said in a strangled voice. "We never speak of this, right?"

"Actually, I kinda do want to speak of this," Keith replied, quickly elaborating at the incredulous expression on Lance's face. "I want this to _end."_

That drew a sigh from Lance. "Yeah, I get ya."

Further conversation was aborted by a strangled "YARGH!" from the mess. Immediately, both Paladins dropped everything, including Allura's dirty clothes, and sprinted for the door, the automated opening suddenly too slow.

"Coran!" Keith shouted in concern. "What's going-" Then he got a good look at the Altean's expression and what he was looking at. "Oh. Oh dear."

"I think this calls for stronger language than that…" Lance said, though without any heat.

Indeed, the sight of Coran staring at the mess the… mess was in, mustache frizzled every which way over a jaw hanging open and under bugged-out eyes was certainly cause for concern.

"W-What happened here?" Coran asked in a strangled croak.

"Probably Hunk experimenting again," Lance replied. "Look, I was just about to clean this up, so-"

"This has happened before?"

Suddenly very nervous, Lance audibly swallowed the lump in his throat. "Yeah?"

A twitch developed in one of Coran's eyes, and he swept past the two Paladins in high dudgeon. Lance and Keith immediately followed him, but didn't get very far before the Altean ran into the pile of Allura's clothes that Keith had accidentally dumped on the floor.

"Ah, damn it," Keith spat, stepping forward. "Let me just get these out of your way-"

"Where did these come from?" Coran asked in a voice that could have frozen _helium._

"Ah, Allura often sleeps in the bridge," Keith answered. "And, um, changes there."

Silence. Then…

"Keith, go ahead and pick that up."

He did so.

"Have Pidge or Shiro done anything like this?"

Well, Pidge's workspace was messy and slowly starting to expand, and Shiro's room looked like a stereotypical bachelor pad, but both boys had a distinct idea of where this was going, and were not about to throw those two under the bus.

"No."

"Nah."

Besides, such an answer was _technically_ true. The best kind!

"Good." Walking over to a wall panel, Coran keyed up the comms system. "Princess, Hunk, could you please meet me in the mess."

~o~

 _Back in the present_

Both boys were distracted from their reminiscing and gibbering terror by Pidge and Shiro sliding in behind their cover next to Lance.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Pidge demanded.

"I'd like to know that, too," Shiro said, all sternness. Any other day it might have even worked.

Not today.

"Hunk and Allura have been slobs, so Coran is…" Lance grimaced, searching for the words. "Admonishing them."

Sharing a confused glance, Shiro and Pidge tried to look over the table. Key word being 'tried'. Keith and Lance all but tackled them down.

"You don't want to do this."

"Bad idea, really bad idea!"

And then, suddenly, the sounds stopped. A beat, and then Lance and Keith clambered off of Shiro and Pidge to take a look, the latter right on their heels. Each peeked over, and saw… nothing.

Keith and Lanced heaved simultaneous sighs of relief. Pidge let out a sigh of disappointment, while Shiro just looked grim.

"Well. I suppose we'll have to revisit this later."


	14. Rule 27

**Rule 27: Allura, we understand why you have repressed anger issues towards the Galra, and you have every right to feel the way you do, but it's time to do something about them.**

Lance frowned as he heard the sound of growling voices and distorted guitars. It took him a mere moment to connect the sounds to Allura's recently revealed preference for death metal, and he mentally shrugged. So she trained to music. Big deal. Triggering the doors, Lance stepped into the training area - right as training dummy met training dummy with an unpleasant CRUNCH!

Eyes wide, Lance watched as Allura used a training dummy to smash another training dummy to pieces, her bayard left forgotten several yards behind her. Her face was twisted in a rictus of fury, the dummies had been crudely painted to resemble Galra, and then there was what she was saying. The words were…

"Murderers! Conquerors! Traitors! Suffer! _Die!"_

Telling, to put it charitably.

Suddenly, the dummies both broke. Allura was now smashing the floor of the training room with a severed robot arm. This did not stop her, or even really slow her down.

Slowly, his face carefully blank, Lance backed out of the training room, and when the door closed behind him, veritably sprinted towards the hall. Unfortunately, Keith, also dressed up for training, opened up the door and blocked his path.

"What's got you in such a hurry?" he asked.

Raising his hands, Lance placed them on Keith's shoulders, staring straight into the other Paladin's eyes. "Trust me, dude, you don't want to go in there."

Keith stared back, blinking, before brushing off Lance's hands. "Talk to me when you're not being weird," he said dismissively, before heading into the training area.

Silently, Lance let him do so. When Keith froze in the door to the training room proper, he was completely unsurprised. And then he had to hold in his laughter, because when Keith turned around, he had the same expression he'd had when some asshole had emailed goatse - or was it blue waffle or some other shock site? - to everyone in the Garrison training facility. He had fond memories of that day. Keith's expression, not the emails. Thank god he deleted that one upon seeing the subject line.

Anyway, it was that same haunted, torn-between-disgust-and-fascination expression. "What…" Keith managed to get out.

"I know, right? I mean, we all know she really doesn't like the Galra. And I mean, _really_ doesn't like them. But that's a bit much."

" _A bit much,"_ Keith repeated, stressing every syllable.

Lance threw up his hands. "Well, excuse me for downplaying things to try and avoid freaking out!"

"Okay, that's… a pretty good reason," the other paladin admitted. Screeching metal sounded out from the training area, and both of them winced. "We should probably do something about this."

"Talk to Shiro and Coran?"

"Talk to Shiro and Coran."

~o~

Unfortunately, neither Paladin had a chance to before Coran reported a surprise Galra installation in the system they'd dropped into. He'd immediately ordered the Paladins into their Lions, and now Lance and Keith were jetting towards the Galra base, slowly convincing themselves that Allura's actions weren't as bad as they seemed.

That went out the window when the Blue Lion shot ahead of the pack and began laying waste to the Galra facility.

"Uh, guys?" Hunk asked over the comms. "Why are we sitting back here instead of helping her?"

"Maybe because she doesn't need any help?" Pidge suggested.

Indeed, the Blue Lion was doing a damn fine job smashing up the facilities and the hapless Galra fighters that were trying to stop it. It was a ballet of destruction that was almost hypnotizing to watch.

Idly, Keith keyed up his communications channel with the Blue Lion.

" _\- and stomp you until you can be fucking_ mailed!"

Another button press fed the communications to the Castle and the remaining Lions. Amazingly, Allura went silent shortly thereafter - at least, until she finally hit something critical, the Galra facility going up in flames.

" _There's a nice Earth saying I picked up that's very appropriate for this situation."_ A cough. " _Quoth the raven: suck my balls! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!"_

" _Ah, princess?"_

" _-AHAHAHA- URK?!"_

" _Get back to the Castle,"_ Shiro ordered in a tone that brooked no argument. " _We need to talk."_

~o~

The feeling in the conference room was… uncomfortable. To say the least. Coran and Shiro had on their best dad faces, under which Allura could only try and make herself smaller. Keith and Lance had positioned themselves about as far away from Allura as they could physically go, which left Hunk and Pidge thoroughly confused.

Coran broke first.

"What the quiznak was that, Princess?!" he demanded, dramatically slamming his palms against the table. Allura flinched back, unable to look him in the eye. "Where did you even hear that phrase?!"

"My bad…" Pidge said, raising her hand. "Showed her a joke website, didn't expect her to remember that specific gag."

"Thank you. Pidge. For your help," Coran ground out, mustache twitching. "But that gets us back to the original question: why?!"

Silence. Most everyone shifted uncomfortably. Keith and Lance shared an even _more_ uncomfortable look. Then Lance shifted to a glare and pointed his arms at Allura. In response, Keith's face fell into a similar expression and he imitated the movement. Lance loomed over the other Paladin, ready to-

"Something you two want to say?"

One last look between the two. ' _Don't chicken out on me.' 'Psh, as if.'_

"So, when the alert came we were just outside the training room, with Allura inside it," Lance explained, prompting the Altean to try and shrink even more.

"She was… breaking the training robots," Keith elaborated. "With her bare hands."

"And cursing. Like, a lot."

"There was that death metal she listens to blaring over the speakers."

"Oh, and did I mention the robots were painted to look like Galra?"

"Huh. You didn't mention that, actually."

"Okay, I think we get the picture," Shiro cut in. "Princess…?"

Allura didn't respond. Coran did, his expression devoid of any fatherly disappointment. Instead, a deep sadness seemed cast over his features. "I imagine Princess Allura has a fair bit of repressed anger towards the Galra. And I'm sure you're all familiar with her normal attitude towards them."

The Paladins were, in fact, familiar, Keith especially, and as one they winced.

"I can see why," Pidge veritably spat.

"Yes, well…" Shiro coughed uncomfortably. "Understandable or not, when it affects combat performance, we need to start talking coping mechanisms."

A muffled, mumbled something drifted out from between Allura's knees.

"Uh… what?" Hunk queried.

A face still flushed from embarrassment rose up. "I said, I already have coping mechanisms," Allura answered.

Shiro's expression flattened. " _Healthy_ coping mechanisms."

"They're healthy!" she protested.

Lance's shouted "Acting out revenge fantasies on innocent robots is _not_ healthy!" promptly collided with Pidge's snarked "Oh? Then the raven quote and Leeroy Jenkins charge just spontaneously popped in your head?" in a clash of noise. An imperious sniff cut right through.

"I'll have you know that such strategies are considered _quite_ healthy in many cultures," she said.

Silence and incredulous expressions greeted this proclamation, broken after a few seconds by Lance muttering "She did _not_ just imperiously sniff at us." under his breath.

The next to speak was Keith, and being… himself, he cut right to the heart of the matter. "And what cultures are those?"

Once again, Allura froze. With her nose up in the air, it was actually kind of funny to see.

"Certainly not Altean culture, I'll tell you that much," Coran dryly informed his audience. "If anything, this kind of 'coping mechanism' sounds like something the Galra would use!"

 _has encountered a fatal error._

A full-body shudder ran through Allura, then nothing but the breathing. Curious, Pidge leaned over and looked in her eyes.

"I think you broke her, Coran," she remarked. "I almost expected her eyes to be blue."

"Right," Shiro said, shifting uncomfortably. "Considering the long day we've had, I say we table this discussion for now."

Nods all around, some eyes darting towards Hunk, slumped over asleep…

"I object to this course of action very strongly!"

Except for Coran.

"We need to address this! We cannot just let it fall aside!" he all but shouted, all passion and fury.

"And we're not _going_ to-"

"You said you were going to table the problem!"

"Yes, and-"

"No! We're not going to table this! I refuse to let the Princess-"

"Oi, dad-boys," Pidge cut in, posture tense yet slumped and expression flatter than a pancake. "What do you think 'table' means as a verb?"

"To put the matter aside for the moment."/"To end the discussion and never speak of it again!"

Blinking, Coran and Shiro exchanged a bewildered look.

"Yup, language issues. Called it," Pidge smugly replied, before letting out a jaw-cracking yawn. "Anyway, Shiro's got the right idea. G'night, you all."


	15. Rule 32

**Rule 32. For the love of God, Shiro, pick a class** _ **other**_ **than a paladin, for once in your life!**

Keith frowned. The freighter they'd called in to get to Earth was bigger than most of the other freighters he'd seen, and it made finding where the rest of the Castle crew had vanished to a bit of a pain. At least Krolia and Romelle were staying in one spot.

Finally, upon opening one door, he found them. And also one of the strangest scenes he'd ever seen. Quite the claim. Let's examine it, shall we?

For starters, there was the Castle of Lions, lying flat on his back on the floor, half in and half out of the base of a round holographic table, in all his King Alfor-esque glory. In front of his face floated a holographic screen that appeared to be an e-book of some kind.

At one side of the table sat Coran, looking inordinately smug. And then, arrayed around the rest of the circle, were the paladins, in… varying emotional states, shall we say.

And _then_ Keith saw the actual hologram being projected on the table, and everything clicked.

"Let me guess," he said, walking up to Coran. "The five stages of character death?"

Coran started, and turned sheepish at the sight of Keith. "Yes, I might have maybe, possibly, accidentally done a TPK."

"No way!" Lance suddenly interjected, jabbing a finger at the d20 in front of him. "This isn't possible! I was invisible! I shouldn't have been hit!"

"Denial," Keith noted. "Area of effect?" Coran nodded.

"This is bullshit!" Pidge roared, grabbing the d20 in front of her and glaring at it. A different d20 than Lance's, mind. "Lucky die, my ass! You're getting retired, and the minute this session ends I'm getting out the blowtorch!"

"Anger."

Keith's eyes slid to Allura, who was frantically flipping through what had to be holographic character sheets. "There's got to be something in here to let me survive this," she said, frantic. "A spell. Any item. A save! Anything!"

"Bargaining."

Now his gaze went to Hunk, slumped over on the table, blank-eyed and drooling.

"Noooo…" he moaned. "The villagers…"

"Depression."

"Right," Shiro said, keying up his character sheet. "Time for another new character, I guess."

"And acceptance," Keith finished, nodding sagely. "Shiro, maybe try a class other than a paladin?"

Shiro flinched, looking wide-eyed at Keith. "How did you know I was going to make a paladin?!" he demanded.

It did not escape Keith that, at the word 'paladin', Coran slammed his forehead against the game table. "Because I've talked to Adam after tabletop nights and he was always complaining about that," he replied.

Shiro, obviously, wanted to retort to that, but a sudden shudder wracked his body, and everyone else dropped everything to suddenly cluster around him.

"Shiro!"

"Are you okay?"

"I'll go get-"

"Back off!" Keith barked. The Paladins did so, even standing at attention. "Shiro, can you make it back to your cabin?"

"Yeah…" the white-haired man groaned, a shaky smile on his face. "Sorry, guys, I guess I won't be joining the next session…"

"Oh, don't worry about _that…"_ Keith said, an eager grin on his face. As Shiro shuffled off, Keith plopped down in his now-open seat. "So. What's the name of the game?"

"Monsters and Mana!" Coran proudly proclaimed. "It's-"

"Right, D&D with a mana-based magic system instead of a Vancian one," Keith interrupted. "Got it. Coran, I'm going to roll up a Barbarian, if you don't mind. Any half-orcs in this game?"

The Paladins blinked. Coran blinked, but recovered first. "Ah, yes, there are."

Keith's hands blurred, tapping at amazing speeds. Five minutes later, he swiped left, shoving his character sheet in front of Coran. He quickly looked it over.

"My word, that was fast!" the Altean said.

"Since when do _you_ know how to play this game?!" Lance demanded.

"Since I started sitting in on tabletop nights at the Garisson," Keith answered, glancing down. "Now, one last question before we start: what's the Castle doing down there?"

"Oh, don't mind me," the Castle distractedly replied. "I'm providing the play surface and catching up on my reading. Multitasking!"

"Right…"

~o~

"20. That's a critical."

"Correct," Coran groused as he rolled some more dice and quickly ran the numbers. "You chop one goblin in half. Instantly. Now, since this was an attack of opportunity-"

"You're forgetting Cleave," Keith interjected.

Sighing, Coran went back to typing. "So I did. Anyway, you land another hit on a nearby goblin-"

"Which I attack."

"And now it's dead." His eyes slid back to Keith. "What's your next move?"

"I turn to the last goblin, raising my sword-"

"The goblin takes one look at you, throws down its weapon, and flees in terror," Coran droned. A sigh. "Think they're done yet? Because it'll be difficult to progress things with just you."

Keith's eyes narrowed, and then very pointedly slid to the rest of the players.

"I get to ride it!"

"No, I get to ride it!"

"As the one who did the most work to actually _get_ this thing, I should be the one to ride it."

"No one is riding it! It's a scared animal that needs to be freed!"

"Probably not," Keith deadpanned.

Another sigh from Coran, this time accompanied by him leaning his head against his hand.

A little context: the new adventure had mostly gone off without a hitch, once transferred from the swampy northern land of the last campaign to a more southerly desert region. The party had been hired as caravan guards, gotten bushwhacked in the middle of the night, and then gone after the bandits.

Finding them was the easy part, apparently.

The bandits' beetle mounts quickly caught everyone's attention, and all but Keith had immediately invested all their energy into freeing them. That left Keith, the barbarian, mind, to sneak into the place and actually _go after the hostages._

"I'll give them five more minutes before I break this up," Keith said, a smile creeping onto his face.

"You're smiling," Coran pointed out.

"I am?" Blinking, Keith poked at the tense muscles. "Huh. Well, I _was_ just like them, once upon a time. I guess I still have some fondness for that."

As the smile creeped back onto Keith's face, Coran shrugged his shoulders and leaned back to wait.


	16. Rule 34

**Rule 34. No more Rube Goldberg machines to do things like pouring cereal.**

Keith sat in his room, staring at the wall with his hands clasped in front of his mouth, doing something he rarely did: brooding.

Now, Lance, among others, would disagree vehemently with the idea that Keith rarely brooded, but it was true. When Keith got in a funk, he preferred to _do_ something rather than sit and stew in his own thoughts. It was productive, and honestly healthier, anyway.

Still, some brooding was inevitable, especially when it wasn't the sort of problem that action would get rid of. This time, it was the fact that he was now in command of Voltron, and the fact that the entire idea terrified him.

For the most part, it was the simple fact that Keith knew he was a foul-tempered hothead. As a subordinate, with someone who could reign in that tendency? Great! He had no problems with that. As an actual commander? Oh, he knew it was just a matter of time until he got everyone killed.

Which was another aspect: the lives of multiple people would depend on _him_ , and not in some sort of abstract teamwork sort of way. No, they would be depending on him, his orders, and his judgement. And… well, see above.

And then, of course, there was Shiro, and the nasty cocktail of inadequacy, hero worship, and denial the thought of his former- no, not former!

Suffice to say, Keith's brain was a bit of a mess right now.

Realizing that he'd been thinking the same words over and over for at least five minutes, Keith sighed and stood. Maybe some movement would jar his thoughts out of that loop. His stomach chose that moment to lodge a formal protest against the treatment it'd been suffering, and he sighed again. Eating couldn't hurt, either.

On the way there, he caught a flash of pink and briefly considered turning around and heading somewhere else. Allura especially triggered all sorts of bad feelings, none of which was really her fault. It was simply the fact that Allura was probably the most important person on board and now she was out in a Lion, fighting, under _Keith's direction._ Gah!

But, squaring his shoulders, Keith stayed on his path. He would not run away from this.

"Oh, hello, Keith!" Allura greeted, an easy smile on her face.

"Allura," Keith nodded. "Going to get a snack, too?"

"Yes. Piloting a Lion is a lot more physically intensive than I thought." Her expression darkened. "Especially when said Lion is being _stubborn_ and not doing what it's told."

Keith just nodded; Lion bonds were just something you had to feel out for yourself. More importantly, they were at the eating area, and the doors parted before them.

Right in time for the two of them to see Lance fire a small energy ball from his bayard, a ball their eyes tracked to- a bunch of… purple wooden half-pipes… hanging from the ceiling.

Okay.

The ball cut half the strings to one of the half-pipes, dropping what looked for all the world like a ping-pong ball down an already-tilted half-pipe, and then onto the main table, where it knocked over what was basically a domino. A domino pressed up against more dominoes arranged in the pattern of the Voltron emblem, with a long tail.

As the dominoes fell, and Allura oh-ed and ah-ed at the sight, Keith eyed that tail, which seemed to terminate at a ball on a string, which was next to a communications cube perilously perched on the edge of the table, above a see-saw with one of the mice at the other end.

From there, it wasn't hard for Keith to trace the movement of the whole setup. The mouse, via a series of pulleys, would release another ball. The ball would descend through a complex setup of ramps, land in a bucket, and the bucket would go down, pulling up the back of-

Keith's brain promptly short-circuited like an iPhone dunked underwater. It stayed short-circuited as the entire Rube Goldberg machine played out, Allura watching in rapt fascination - to pour a box of cereal. Idly, what small part of Keith's brain was still working noted that Allura, too, seemed to have bluescreened.

It was Lance, Pidge, and Hunk cheering and high-fiving each other that rebooted Keith's brain. Kinda.

"What."

The cheering stopped, the Garrison trio giving him three sunny grins. "We built a machine to pour cereal!" Pidge enthusiastically declared.

Silence and flat stares met this declaration. Finally, expression not shifting an inch, Keith raised his hand, palm up and fingers splayed.

"Okay, but why, though?"

"Because it's fun to build them!" Hunk answered.

"Okay, but why don't you just _pour_ the cereal?!" Keith demanded, voice rising.

A hand alighted on his shoulder, and he turned to see Allura shaking her head at him. "Don't question it, Keith," she said. "Just let them have her fun."

"But-!" Keith sputtered.

"See? Allura gets it," Lance said.

"I don't, actually, but it doesn't really matter."

"But… cereal… pouring it…" Keith tried.

Oh well. At least he wasn't worrying about his new command.


	17. Rule 35

**Rule 35. Yes, Keith, well-done steaks are an abomination and should not be tolerated. That does not mean you should shove your tongs down their throat.**

Another day, another planet liberated with the power of Voltron. The Paladins basked in the adulation of the city the inhabitants had been crammed into to provide manpower for the nearby mine the Galra had been operating - and the vital industrial services needed to serviced the mine. Mechanical equipment, engines, pumping…

Oh, and they were also trying very hard not to pay attention to the fact that said aliens were basically colorful jello sacks with eyes. Laughing would be rude. Not to mention dangerous. The fate of the Galra garrison once Voltron had drawn off the fighters and lone cruiser had been… not pretty.

Things were just getting awkward enough for Keith to want to leave, propriety be damned, when one of the aliens, colored blue, waddled up to him, bearing a large metal box.

"Oh great and bounteous Paladin!" he (she?) declared. "We of the planet-" There was a string of incomprehensible gibberish, and that was through his helmet's built-in translators. "Are forever in your debt! Please, take this gift as a small means of repaying it!"

Keith opened his mouth to refuse, but a glance around showed that the adulation wasn't going to stop anytime soon. And worse, it didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon. Lance due to ego, Allura, Pidge, and Hunk due to the general adorability of the slime aliens. This would kill a few minutes, at least.

"Thank you," he said, taking the surprisingly heavy box and opening the lid. His eyes widened at the contents. Inside were smoothly-cut slabs of rich, glistening red meat.

For all the work Hunk had put into foraging and adjusting the Castle's food machines to make something other than the food goo, meat wasn't really on the menu. Nobody particularly wanted to have to slaughter an animal, and the food makers stubbornly refused to make meat. They had to eat the food goo to get enough protein, a fact that nobody was happy about.

And now, meat. Good meat, if his eye did not deceive him.

"Hunk!" Keith called out, idly closing up the box. "We need to get this gift to the freezers, ASAP!"

"Aw, c'mon, can't I stay a little longer? These guys are so adorable!"

"Now, Hunk!"

Sighing dejectedly, Hunk ndisengaged from the crowd and followed Keith up to the castle.

"So…" he drew out. "What's got you all excited?"

A smile spread over Keith's face, one of the more genuine and wide ones Hunk had seen on him. "I've got meat, Hunk. And if I'm not completely off base, good grilling meat, even."

Hunk's eyes widened, and he matched Keith's smile with one of his own.

"Oh boy…" he half-breathed, half-moaned. "Grilled meat…"

No more words were said as they entered the castle.

~o~

Some time later, a worn-out Lance, Allura, and Pidge trudged up to and into the Castle of Lions in high spirits.

"Well, that was nice," Pidge remarked as she shucked her helmet. "It's always nice to see what we're actually fighting for."

"Yup," Lance nodded sagely. "And getting some appreciation for our efforts is pretty nice, too."

"Well, as fun as it was, I'm famished," Allura said. "And since Hunk left ahead of us, I'm sure he's got a nice meal cooked up."

Lance and Pidge considered that, and then entered a blissed-out state. Long gone were the days of blandly offensive food goo. Between the Castle's food synthesizers and foraging with Coran of local ecosystems, Hunk was in cook heaven and eager to bring everyone up with him.

This bliss, however, did not prevent them from seeing Coran leaning around the doorframe to the dining room.

"What's he doing?" Lance wondered.

"Coran?" Allura called out.

The Altean flinched, and turned around, beckoning them over. "Keith and Hunk are up to something," he stage-whispered.

That got him a round of befuddled looks; Keith and _Hunk?_ Had those two ever interacted outside of group situations? One by one, Allura, Lance, and Pidge struck out on any memory of such an event.

"They've got this container full of _meat-"_

"Hang on, I meant to ask this a while back, but why _don't_ we have any meat?" Pidge interrupted. "I mean, food goo does the job protein-wise, but…" She grimaced. "Well, it's food goo. I'd murder Lance for some of my mom's chicken cutlets."

"Oh, don't even get me- hey, why only me?!"

"Why would we eat _meat?"_ Allura jumped in. "It's inefficient and morally repugnant! Not to mention disgusting! That's something the _Galra_ would do!"

Any objections - and from Lance's open and then suddenly closed mouth, he had many - died in the face of that statement.

"Okay, yeah, can't argue with that," he admitted.

"I still want those cutlets…"

A loud clattering sound echoed out from the dining room, and at once everyone was leaning around the doorway, Lance on top of Coran on top of Allura on top of Pidge.

The clattering was some metal contraption Hunk had just dropped on the floor; he and Keith seemed to be discussing it, the latter bent over the thing. Just off to the side, they could see some sort of metal box.

"Electric?!" Keith demanded, in roughly the same tone of someone finding a fly or hair in their soup.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but nobody uses propane out here, Keith!" Hunk retorted. "Besides, is this any worse than having to _freeze_ the rest of the meat?"

Keith didn't say anything for a moment, and his back was turned so no one could see his expression. But the sigh he eventually let out said everything.

"Fine, electric it is. Let's get this set up outside." He stood, and then called out, "And you're all welcome to join us!"

Startled, two Alteans and two Earthlings all tumbled into a pile on the floor.

~o~

The Paladins, minus Hunk but plus Coran, decamped outside, Keith poised over the grill with a pair of tongs. The pointed glares from Coran and Allura just washed right off of him.

"So, any requests?" he asked.

"Oh! Can I get some blue cheese on top of mine?" Lance eagerly asked.

"Hunk?" Keith queried.

" _Yeah, I can whip some up. Gonna have to be added after you finish cooking the steak, though."_

"That's fine. Pidge?"

"Can I get mine well done?"

~o~

 _Keith watched in childish awe as his father poked at the steak cooking on the grill. Literally childish; this was a young Keith, not even out of elementary school, eyes wide with an innocence absent from his older self and not even the jacket. Just a plain t-shirt and shorts._

 _The mullet was still there, though._

" _Firm, but with a little give," he said. "Yup. These are medium rare."_

 _Keith nodded, in that mindless way children do with a good parent. Then a thought occurred to him. "What if someone wants theirs well done?" he asked._

 _His father turned towards him, face grave. "We politely but firmly ask them to leave."_

~o~

Hunk hummed happily to himself. He was walking towards an honest to goodness _steak dinner,_ he'd prepared a full smorgasboard of side dishes on top of Lance's blue cheese topping and some fried garlic chips, and Keith was smiling.

And then he came across the scene on the grass.

"Let me go, Allura!" Keith roared, brandishing tongs at Pidge, who was sprawled out on the ground rubbing her jaw. Lance was kneeling right behind her, looking none too happy with Keith.

"Why? So you can try and shove your tongs down her throat again?!"

"She wanted it _well done!"_

"And this is why Alteans don't eat meat!" Allura snapped.

"Great…" Hunk sighed.


End file.
